Tales of a Mad Mage - Part 7

[tHeMaDoNe44]

Part 7: Unhinged

Surrounded by a strange grey smoke immediately upon entering, Higgson was nearly overwhelmed by the sweet smell of lavender and vanilla incense. Just underneath that however was the sickly-sweet stench of decay, vaguely resembling the surrounding swamp's miasma, but heavily masked among the other smells. It almost seemed, briefly, as if the smoke tried to stretch itself out and wrap itself  around Higgson's head. He immediately began to feel light-headed. He shook his head to try and clear it, hesitating just inside of the cabin's threshold.

Finally, as the incense's smoke cleared somewhat with the open door, Higgson got a clearer picture of the interior itself, and realized it resembled something more like a bird's nest than a normal cabin or hut from the inside. Its wooden parts were haphazardly jumbled together and cemented in place with mud and other strange looking substances. One part of the left hand wall looked like a bee's hive was part of the structure's support system, although no actual bees were in evidence.

Colored glass jars filled with the expected scary and unknown substances, along with shiny-bits and bobs of various types, were everywhere in the cabin. They often reflected the light from dozens of beeswax candles placed strategically wherever possible. The cabin appeared much bigger inside than without, but this was a subtle effect, and the smoke helped to maintain the mystery.

Moving further in, Higgson was met with warmth and light, while his nose finally became partially numb to the smells. Nespa moved to a pillow covered lounge and stretched out upon it easily, relaxed now and strangely unperturbed by the Blue Magus and his "Paladin." Large red-ceramic vases depicting sexual deviancies of the lowest sort flanked the lounge and appeared to be the source of the intense incense smoke. Deeper in and off to the side was a large heavy footed wooden table covered with what resembled something like burlap or maybe canvas sail-cloth. Did it just move?

The Blue Magus bumped Higgson's elbow, bringing his attention quickly but awkwardly swinging back to the casually dressed witch. In her current position, the silks she wore revealed much more of her skin than he had expected. Focusing his gaze on her eyes, he nearly mumbled a mantra against evil he had learned from the church years ago, but caught himself at the last second.

"You seem very interested in my home Sir Paladin...one would think you were here to, Goddess forbid, judge me."

Even without the twinkle of amusement in her eyes, Higgson could hear the smile behind her veil and the sarcasm dripping in her voice. He continued to stare at her jade green eyes as he replied, fear suddenly evaporating in his mind as his surety of purpose returned to focus him.

"No my lady, I am here to witness only and help maintain the Magus's peace-bond, as agreed."

Nespa quietly looked at him with fresh amusement. As the silence nearly became awkward she finally responded. Her eyes still locked on Higgson.

"You have chosen well Mage. I wish I had seen the steel in this one before. I could have used his strength..."

She looked back to the Blue Magus casually, "But I digress. Your request...is denied." She then took a sip out of a steaming ceramic mug that appeared from nowhere.

Deadly silence reigned. The air began to feel charged and small sparks crawled over the Magus' staff.

"No retort old man? Complaint? Argument?"

Higgson grasped his sword hilt in a death-grip as he watched the mage's bearded face. There was anger there...anger and something else he did not recognize. It was a look of intensity he would remember for a long time. Who exactly was he following here? Mages rarely accepted denial easily. So what was he going to do if the Blue Mage reacted badly...

Replying slowly, the Blue Mage kept his voice carefully neutral, “You are such a tease Nespa."

The witch tittered like a little girl then, and kicked her feet on the lounge in girlish excitement.

"How did you know I was bluffing?" Her voice sounded even younger than before.

"Nespa...I may not be as old as you, but I have been around long enough to know you wouldn't have bothered to invite us up here unless you intended to give me what I wanted. Can we get on with it then? Or do you have more childish games to play?"

Nespa's eyes narrowed and her delicate nose wrinkled as her voice became dangerous again, "Oh you are such a Nor'Lothda-Korr you emotionally bankrupt old..."

She stopped herself, and sitting up she suddenly looking more like a cat about to pounce upon a helpless mouse than a witch.

"Fine. I have conditions however."

He shrugged, "Name them."

"I want back what is mine." Anticipation seemed to emanate from the witch. The bitter smell of sulfur permeated the incense for a moment.

"No."

The sulfur smell became overwhelming.

Suddenly the witch threw her mug against the far wall, where it crashed and spilled its dark contents in a sticky mess. It ran slowly and seemed to resemble a dark color...blood? Was she drinking blood? Steaming-hot blood?

"You gouty little Nor'Lothda-Korr!"

"Anger makes your skin all splotchy Nespa...you might try a cream for that. Anything else?" Amusement now danced behind the Magus' blue eyes.

Hatred flared anew in those green eyes but quickly subsided into calm. The Sulfur smell diminished too.

"You are too much trouble Mage."

The Blue Magus lifted his left hand in supplication, "Guilty. I would never deny that charge Nespa. As a matter of course, I strive for that. It often gives people pause, especially in the Mage Arena. Now, give me what I want and we leave you to your own...schemes and devices shall we say?"

Silence reigned again.

"Agreed."

"Finally."

Higgson covered his mouth with his hand in surprise at his own outburst.

Both mages were staring at him pointedly.

"My apologies to you both. I was...worried."

The mage and the witch glanced at each other again and then back at the former Paladin.

The old mage looked slightly embarrassed as he took Higgson aside, "Understandable. Negotiations among our kind can be a bit intense." Nespa was looking amused again as she sat up and moved toward her mysteriously covered table.

Higgson kept an eye on the witch as he whispered to the mage.

"I'm sorry...I have to ask...what did she call you? 'Nor'Lothda-'...that sounded like a form of Orcish...or Goblin?"

A smile appeared on his face as he stroked his long beard.

"It's an old tongue, now only used by the basest of beings. Its best translation is: 'Rotten Piece of Goat feces' or some such thing."

Higgson looked at the mage pointedly.

"She really hates you, doesn't she?"

He covered his face with his hand and laughed quietly.

"I expected her to feed me my genitals as soon as she saw me."

Higgson just shook his head and rubbed his temples.

"Why am I following you again?"

The mage moved to follow the Witch's path towards the table and casually replied, "Because you would be dead if you hadn't Sir Higgson. Feel better now? My best guess would be a 'No'...but what do I know?"

Higgson didn't feel better. Not at all. Damn all mages.

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[Fenix86]

So I'm not sure just how much feedback you're looking for on these chapters, but I figure that you wouldn't keep posting them if you didn't want SOMEONE to say something about them. I enjoy the craft of writing myself, so I'm going to give you the kind of feedback I always hope I get from the people I share my stories with, but rarely ever do: the kind that makes me strive to be a better writer.

On the whole, you do a descent job of keeping your reader interested in what's going on. Admittedly, the story is easy to picture and follow along because of the back story that has been made so readily available to us on the site, but you still manage to make the tale your own. God is in the details here, and I feel like it's all the little details that really leave your mark on the world. Things like Norch being an albino, and the stigma he managed to overcome, the hints at older and forgotten languages, the familiar's name not being known, etc. all of your personal touches, provide the reader with a richer experience and allows them to truly immerse themselves in not just the world of Etheria, but in your particular version of said world.

You're greatest weaknesses lie not within your plot, dialogue, or syntax, but in your grammar and occasionally your diction. It's nothing that a thorough reread wouldn't be able to fix. As a few rules of thumb: it's generally best to avoid reusing the same word twice within two or three paragraphs of each other, the word "that" really doesn't need to exist in most prose, and allow yourself the time to read your story aloud as that will prevent a great deal of misspellings and grammatical errors. It's annoying, but important i.e."Let's eat Grandma." vs "Let's eat, Grandma.". Comma placement can be the difference between family dinner and cannibalism  

When we read we create the world in our heads and live out the story first hand, but keep in mind nothing pulls us out of our dream like state faster or more abruptly than typos, and the more of those there are, the harder it is to reenter the world . Diction is just as important. Mark Twain is quoted as saying "The difference between the right word and the almost right one, is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."

In your first chapter, your wizard says :"How can a Mage be expected to blast lighting straight, which is difficult in the first place, with his skin peeling off?"

With lightning being misspelled, the choice of "blast" as opposed to "cast" and the unnecessary  inclusion of "which is difficult in the first place" I almost stopped reading.  One rushed sentence almost broke you here, as your word choice detracted from the sentence flow and resulted in you leading the audience too much. Its okay to point us where you want us to go, but don't make the mistake of grabbing our hands and walking us over there.

Look, so far, you have my attention, and the attention of a fair amount of others if the view posts suggest anything. I know I definitely would like to see where this road goes and I hope I'm not coming off as overly critical or harsh. There's a lot of good raw material, we just need to refine it and than polish it. I'd be more than happy to edit anything you would like to post, if you feel comfortable enough sharing before posting. Keep up the good work, and all the best. I look forward to your next chapter.

[tHeMaDoNe44]

One word: Awesome.

This is exactly the kind of feedback I was wanting to hear.
I'm really glad you are liking the story-line and the characters.

Apologies for all the gammatical errors. It's a little embarassing at my age.

Basically, I write these chapters at work in my spare time, and slap them up on the site fairly quickly.
That's no excuse however. I do try to go back every once in a while and do some clean-up, but I rarely have a lot of time to do so.

I originally started this little idea using Notepad so transferring them to the forum would be easy enough.
Needing more than a basic text editor, I found my clean-up needs improved once I went to Wordpad. (I try to limit personal usage of my work computer).

I will do my best to improve my misspellings and grammar mistakes from here, and finish cleaning up the previous chapters ASAP.

You and any other reader are always welcome to offer constructive criticism at any time.  B)

As a writer, I welcome it.